Ranting..
This week has nearly ran me over. I am the best definition of a wreck, and that’s putting it mildly. I hardly every talk about my negative things going on in my life but I think it’s better just to get some emotions out on the table. I usually am not one to go on huge rants on tumblr, but to keep some sanity, I suppose it can’t do any harm.
I guess I should fill you in on the fact that I finally have reached my whits end with my mom, and I am moving out. I am either moving in with my Dad or I am moving into my own apartment somewhere. The last real words I had with my mom is her saying, “fine move out.” It’s super awkward at my house because I am just there to sleep, and take a shower and I’m on my way out the door. Mind you, this is usually what I do everyday, I don’t ask for any favors, I don’t ask for her to get me any food, or any $$ what so ever. I am always so grateful for everything. I have realized you just can’t make everyone happy, even if you try your hardest for that one person you want to make so proud.
I have tried to live with the constant controlling, irrational, and unnecessary drinking she’s been doing for AWHILE. And let me tell you, she is not a happy drunk. But don’t let me paint her as a horrible person. I just can’t live with her anymore with the constant verbal attacks she is always doing, whether its sober or drunk. I have learned that I really don’t deserve to be called a bitch, worthless, or anything else she tries to throw my way. I really don’t deserve it. I guess I am most upset that this was not expected my life to be, I mean when I was young I lived in a huge three story house with a happy mom and a hard working dad, and then that got cut real short when they got a divorce and we got separated. I guess it just feels similar. I mean, it was all upsetting when it was happening, but I learned to get used to it. I think people take for granted their families who are all still together. It’s actually really sad that it’s getting to be more common that most couples get divorces. One thing is for sure, I will not be that statistic, it has made me so determined to make my future marriage work.
But anyways, I have just been a wreck, whenever I have to go home I just feel alone. And even when I’m not I have 20724 things on my mind. Yesterday I went to mexican, couldn’t help but have a cry moment in the bathroom, but managed to keep a grin on my face til we were checking out and I couldn’t help but break down…thank god no one saw me, SO embarrassing. I freaking hate crying, and I hate the times when you cry at the most unexpected moments. Not to mention I hate talking about my feeling when it’s something that’s bothering me. I’m just not myself, and I can’t really shake it. If anything, I know it’s going to be more challenging as I move out in the future soon. I really dislike change, and this will be a huge one for me. But it’s a healthy, much needed change, and I know I can do everything I want to do in life, whether I have my mom in it, or not.
This week was just a lot for me to handle. I have been on edge a lot and little things make me upset spur of the moment. But I try to keep a smile on my face, because who really wants to be around a sad person all the time. When I have my mind on something else, I am totally fine, but when I’m brought back to reality, not so much. I need a vacation, for one please.
